Searching for Invisible Hope
by Ayame Harushino
Summary: He comes and fills her heart, only to leave it broken once more.


**Author's Note**

Konnichiwa! This is the first fanfiction that I posted in the Internet. I wrote this sometime in early 2006, so it may not be accurate compared to the recently released manga. I don't think it will matter, though.

The song used in this fic is **_Don't Say You Love Me _**by **The Corrs**.

Enjoy! )

**Disclaimer: **_Inuyasha_ and the song _Don't Say You Love Me_ belong to their respective owners; you lawyers out there can't sue me anymore, nyah: P

* * *

**Searching For Invisible Hope**

_**He comes and fills her heart, only to leave it broken once more.**_

...--...--...

_I've seen this place a thousand times_

_I've felt this all before_

Scarlet hakama and ivory hitoe fluttered violently back and forth as long locks of raven hair performed an elegant dance with the afternoon zephyr; the grass beneath her feet accompanied the graceful movement. Kiky­­ō—the most beautiful, most powerful, most _deadly _miko, whose power rivals even the strongest yōkai, stood tall in all her glory on the edge of a cliff, letting the cool breeze caress her now warm body. Seeing that she has no use for it, she slung her saigu-yumi over her shoulder, her eyes transfixed on a certain hanyō, who was currently battling with a gigantic nekoyōkai in the field below. His faithful comrades fought with him, and after almost an hour they finally sent their opponent to the underworld. Kikyō closed her hazel eyes, turned on her heels, and walked away and into the woods with grace even the most feminine royalty would be jealous of.

_And every time you call_

_I waited there_

_As though you might not call at all_

Days­­—months—have passed since she last saw her former lover…the day the scum of evil known as Naraku was finally defeated and sent to the deepest pit of the seven hells due to the impromptu teamwork of many to whom he has done wrong—Inuyasha, the reincarnation, the taijiya, the hōshi, the kitsune, the ōkamiyōkai, even the impassive taiyōkai who was the hanyō's half-brother had aided them against their sneaky opponent. When the battle was over, the Shikon no Tama had divided into four floating balls of light before dispersing into millions more and enveloping them in a blanket of blinding brightness. As a result, all battle wounds were healed, and the precious jewel that once brought unhappiness and pain had blessed them all with a gift—the kitsune was given a family, the taijiya's brother was revived, the hōshi's kazaana had disappeared, the girl had received a complete soul, the ōkami was given supernatural speed, the inuhanyō's Tessaiga had unleashed more power, even the stoic yōkai lord had his missing arm restored—except for her. Instead of granting her the peace she yearned for, Kikyō…was given—cursed—with _life_. Life that she oh so wanted to share with her beloved hanyō.

But she, from the beginning, was cursed herself.

"_A miko must abandon her heart to achieve power ... this includes love as well…you must extinguish love. You must never hold a man dear… or else you would suffer an untimely death."_

The kuro no miko's voice rang repeatedly in her head. _Cursed_. Life with Inuyasha— them getting married, making love, having children, growing old together—is nothing but a whim. A foolish young girl's fantasy. _'He already loves another.'_ Yet he always goes after her when he gets the chance. _'Does he?' _He had called her name and ran after her when she wordlessly tried to leave. Her new body of flesh had glowed in happiness when she, for a split second, naïvely thought that he wanted to go with her. That he wanted to _stay_ with her. For the first time in almost 52 years, she had smiled. As she had turned around to face him, he spoke with words that ripped her tiny hope to even tinier shreds of defeat.

_"I'll come and see you again, Kikyō. I promise."_

Her newly restored heart had been shattered. Again.

Did it not matter to him that she was breathing? Alive?

_I know this face I'm wearing now_

_I've seen this in my eyes_

After the agonizing promise left his mouth, he had left her.

Yet she clings to that promise. That promise, no matter how heartbreaking it was, provided her a small candle of hope in the midst of the dark life she possesses. Not a day has passed that she did not expect him to scramble through the coppice anytime, smiling that cocky grin of his. _'No, he does not smile that way at me anymore.'_ No. _'He never smiles at me anymore.' _She no longer possesses that special ability. _'It has been reincarnated into her.' _Or maybe she never owned that ability in the first place.

_And though it feels so great_

_I'm still afraid_

_That you'll be leaving anytime_

Kikyō ran her fingers through the chill water, her faithful shinidamachū quietly emerging from the darkness and hovered around their mistress. She has been sitting, thinking for hours about what she had avoided to think about for a long while. So why now? _'This night is my last chance.'_

The moon has risen in its crescent form, shining its borrowed light upon the silent maiden. The sorrowful miko let her eyelids hide her earthen orbs from the world once more. Another day has passed, and he still has not come for her. _'Maybe he has forgotten.'_

_"How can I forget you? I love you, Kikyō."_

Kikyō—Never forgotten, always loved? Utter foolishness!

_We've done this once and then you_

_Closed the door_

_Don't let me fall again_

_For nothing more_

A sharp gasp.

Feeling a stinging sensation in her hands, she looked down and saw crimson liquid mixing with the clear water. It was then she realized that her hand was so tightly clenched that her fingernails dug into her palms and cut them. Kikyō quickly tore up a part of her kosode, intending to use the strips as makeshift bandage.

She hesitated.

Instead, she flung the cloth away like a useless rag and watched as she let her warm blood flow freely, tainting the running water. Physical pain. For some reason, it made her feel…alive.

_Don't say you love me_

_Unless forever_

_Don't tell me you need me_

_If you're not gonna stay  
Don't give me this feeling_

_I'll only believe it_

_Make it real_

_Or take it all away_

A pair of golden eyes studied the captivating woman before it. The owner of said eyes knew she knew that it was watching her. It smirked arrogantly, and leaned against a nearby tree, hiding its exquisite person behind the lush vegetation. Kikyō's narrowed eyes snapped to the observer's direction; although she could not see it, she could feel its commanding yōki emanating from behind her. It did not even bother masking its aura! 'Show off,' Kikyō's frowning lips turned into a smirk that could rival her hidden acquaintance's one.

"Pathetic," the mighty individual behind her commented aloud for the first time, referring to her hand, with its deep, husky voice, much to her surprise. Such a simple word, yet it stabbed her heart like a thousand kunai. Her snake-like servants instantly fled away, before she could dismiss them; they were already used to their mistress sending them away wheneverit was near. The powerful creature was never really fond of them.

"Indeed," she replied with a slight smile of amusement. If it were any other being, she would have sent it to oblivion without a second thought. But this... magnificent, stunning creature behind her, it was special. It was…perfection. Perfection that she admired.

_I've caught myself smiling alone_

_Just thinking of your voice_

_And dreaming of your touch, is all too much_

_You know I don't have any choice_

Inuyasha…Yes, she often dreamed of him, him falling asleep on the branch of a sakura tree while she watched him from below, him pouting as she played with his furry dog-ears, him wrapping his strong arms around her child-carrying body…But not all dreams were pleasant. Nightmares visited her almost as much as pleasant dreams did. She would have nightmares of her life as a mi—NO! _'I refuse to recall the tragic events of the past.'_

But… _'You are nothing but the past.' _She remembered Naraku tell her with a strange frown during one of her mysterious visits to his dark castle. She had completely ignored his heinous comment and maintained her mask of indifference. But, he was right. If Inuyasha chose her reincarnation, she would be nothing more but a mere memory. _'Inuyasha has already chosen her, and I AM nothing but a memory,' _she disagreed with her mind once more. _'A tragic memory, that is better off forgotten.'_

Dreams, whims, fantasies—those are all she has.

_"You have beauty. You are powerful. You are feared by many. Do not let that all go to waste. If you do, then you are more foolish than I thought, miko," _it had reproved her many nights ago. She recalled her nightly companion's deep frown when she had implored it to end her misery and kill her. Kikyō glanced involuntarily behind her. It knew the exact thought that were going through her enigmatic mind. Once again, she was wrong, and another was right.

Dreams, whims, fantasies—those are all she _thinks_ she has.

And as long as she has them…

_Don't say you love me_

_Unless forever_

Kikyō focused her eyes back to the now reddish stream. She knew _it_ was still there, taunting her, waiting for her to admit defeat, for the good-for-nothing hanyō has not yet come. She could tell it was getting bored by tapping into its aura, for though they possibly were several feet apart, its aura is so strong that she could feel it as if it were right beside her. The said aura is able to send shivers up and down the spines of even the strongest beings; it took her a while to get used to it. That powerful aura, the only aura that had made her flinch in fear, had become her source of peace. She enjoyed being around it, welcomed the feeling of comfort its presence brought her. The owner of the aura though, oh how she hated it. She had hated it since two moons ago, when she had confided in it, and in return, it had challenged her…made a bet with her. A bet…that she now knows she would lose.

_WHOOOSSSHHH!!!_

Kikyō was immediately snapped back to reality as the leaves around her started to rustle frantically. The nighttime wind whizzed past her, sending her hair and the grass below her into a mad frenzy. At the same time, the mighty aura vanished only to be replaced by a familiar one. And this one caused her chocolate eyes to widen. **_HIM!_**

_Don't tell me you need me_

_If you're not gonna stay_

Red and white seemed to clamber through the underbrush, cursing repeatedly before finally clawing himself free from the vines that restrained him. Inuyasha, without his Fire Rat coat, emerged from the dark, smiling tentatively at the astonished beauty before him.

_'He is smiling…at me?' _Kikyō's overwhelmed heart jumped in joy, but the scornful little voice in the back of her mind quickly intervened and crushed that joy. _'It was probably the girl's doing,' _it scorned. Kikyō's face hardened, as she gazed upon the robust figure of the half-breed. _'He seemed to dim in attractiveness compared to—'_

"Hey," the nervous dog began awkwardly, fidgeting with the badly wrapped bandages around his shoulder. "I saw you on that cliff earlier."

Kikyō bit her lip. If that was so, then he probably waited until all his friends fell asleep before seeking her out. _'Is he ashamed to have anything to do with me?'_ They were once lovers, for crying out loud!

"Um, Kikyō?" he called out uncertainly, after taking a deep breath.

"Hmm?" The tragic miko met his determined amber orbs with her deep brown ones, and the dog-eared's heart pounded in his chest as he took in all of her natural beauty. _'Damn. How am I gonna tell her this?'_

"It's been a long ti—Oh, crap! What the hell are you doing?!" Inuyasha rushed to her side and not so gently grabbed her hands. "What are you crazy? Bleeding yourself to death, are you stupid or something?! Dammit, Kikyō…" _'Same old Inuyasha…' _the lovely miko mused while the hanyō's eyes looked around, found the strips of cloth she had discarded earlier, and hastily wrapped them around her slim hand.

Kikyō's facial expression softened like ice held over fire. It has been a long while since he touched her…

Flap. Flap. Scrunch. Flap.

The priestess eyed the floppy bindings on the inuhanyō that her miko instinct begged her to mend.

"If you're wondering about that, don't. It's a long story," snorted the said inuhanyō.

"I have…time," the words flew out of her mouth like wild birds set free before she could stop and catch them.

Inuyasha stilled. _'She asked for it.' _

"Fine," he finally said after a few moments of silence, taking yet another deep breath. "When we defeated the baka no neko I saw you on that cliff but you left I was distracted the dead bastard's pals attacked us for revenge I got bitten but we killed them all I told them I'd go after you that damn Kagome sat me for who knows how many times and refused to tie up my wounds I asked Miroku and Sango but they won't go against her so I spent hours trying to bind them up myself and—" he paused to catch his breath. "Then—"

"That explains a lot," Kikyō interrupted him, wanting to avoid his apparently _long_ story. Finally yielding to her miko intuition, she let her slender hand examine the loosely tied cloth on Inuyasha's shoulder. "May I?"

As expected, the dog-eared man 'Feh'd' and turned away. "Do what you want." He then brashly tilted his neck to the right to prevent his smooth, silver mane from blocking the view of the priestess, who noticed the rather big difference between his hair and _its._

"But I don't think that'll do any good. With my yōkai blood, the poison'll be gone in no time."

Kikyō spared the hidden individual behind her a warning glance, when she heard the bushes scoff in conceit at the hanyō's statement. _'Just as expected.'_

She turned back quickly to concentrate on dressing Inuyasha's wounds, noting that if he knew of the person behind them, he would surely incite another mindless battle of fang and steel with it. More importantly, if he knew what she has been doing with said being by the time the moon rises, the hanyō would, without doubt, go into a maniacal rampage and reduce the mighty forest around them into mere firewood.

_Don't give me this feeling_

_I'll only believe it_

Inuyasha's skin tingled delightfully in response to Kikyō's warm touches. So this is what he's been missing all this time. If this is the product of his going after Kikyō, then he would never want turn away from her ever again. '_Kagome's sits are definitely worth this.'_ How many years have passed since he last felt her flawless skin caressing his blemished body? Half a century? _'So long…' _But he would wait another fifty years if that meant having his beloved's healing hand touch his worthless hanyō body. Without thinking, he raised a clawed hand and gently stroked her smooth cheek. Kikyō almost flinched in surprise. "You really are alive," he breathed, enjoying the feeling of her fair flesh on his fingertips.

_'For several months now, thank you.' _Kikyō's lip twitched sardonically, followed by a mental gasp. Since when has she been sarcastic? She then heatedly shot an accusing glare that shot daggers behind her, the plants seeming to cower in fright. _It was its doing!_ Its trademark smirk of arrogance must be plastered on that mocking, yet striking face of its.

"What's wrong?" Inuyasha inquire, his relatively dim brain now baffled, but he was certainly aware of the intense, heat-causing resentment radiating from the fair woman beside him. _'Kikyō looks even better when she's mad…but why the hell is she glowering at the trees? Oh Kami-sama she's so beautiful…'_

"Nothing you should worry about," Kikyō answered quietly with obviously forced calmness, not noticing the ardent stare of love and admiration focused on her. Inuyasha did not pay attention to the barely hidden edge that laced her voice; he was too busy gazing at her. Either that or he is denser than a certain someone thought. As she finished bandaging the hanyō's wounds…

_Make it real_

_Or take it all away_

In a blur of white, Kikyō felt a strong force push, or rather pull, her extremely desirable body toward the rough form of InuYasha, and all of a sudden found his coarse lips planted squarely on her soft ones, encouraging hers to dance with his in a simple, tender kiss. Before long, the mighty miko found herself surrendering and even responding to her lover's show of affection, returning the kiss and wrapping her slim arms around his strong neck, just as one of his has snaked around her petite waist, another hand begging, tugging at her chin and parting her supple lips apart, his tongue shyly entering her delectable mouth. _'Please, just this once, let me show you how much I love you. Please.' _The hanyō begged the spirits, his fire-colored eyes tightly shut in concentration. _'Let me…'_

Soon, the gentle, timid kiss turned into a harsh, possessive display of passion and love, when Inuyasha pushed the pure miko onto the grass-covered ground with as much gentleness as he could muster, which is not very much, straddling her in the process. They both wanted—_needed—_this. It felt so pleasant, so blissful, so perfect, so…right. Screw it if she's a miko, if she's acting unlike herself! _'Just this once.'_

In the middle of the mixed feelings of joy and confusion, Kikyō sensed the unseen being scowl and look away in disgust and annoyance, but that interrupting thought was instantly trampled upon by the ecstasy of their kiss. If this is what life meant, _then she did not want to win that bet_, for the wagers are too great to be ignored, and her whole life literally depended on that bet.

_We've done this once _

_And then you_

_Closed the door_

Still overwhelmed, Kikyō slowly pulled her lips away from the silver-haired hanyō and inhaled a large amount of air, as much as she hated to end the heavenly moment, while Inuyasha nuzzled her neck like a contented puppy, his nose taking in her divine aroma of spring rain and bellflowers.

"I wish…we could stay like this for ever." As that promising, yet distressing phrase left his mouth, a choked sob escaped from the beautiful maiden's bit lips.

'_Why can't we?'_

"Kikyō?"

_Crick._

"Oh dammit, Kikyō, I'm sorry!" the dog-eared, who just realized that most of his weight has been pressing down on _his_ woman's shoulder, exclaimed, hastily pushing himself up on all fours. Kikyō pushed that self-pitying thought away, wondering how dense and insensitive _her_ hanyō can be.

"Inuyasha…"

"Eh?" he unconsciously leaned his handsome face closer to the miko's beautiful one, until they could feel each other's hot breaths.

"If someone were to see us in this position…"

The hanyō blinked twice, before his face turned crimson as he scrambled clumsily off of the miko. "I_-_I'm sorry," he awkwardly stuttered, looking away in embarrassment.

"Don't." The maiden's word entered the half-dog's left ear, passed through almost empty space, and exited on the right ear.

"I'm sorry," he repeated, "it's just that I..." It's now ornever. "I..." _'Dammit, why am I so nervous?!' _The whole forest seemed to hold its breath, and the cheerful whistles that the songbirds were twittering earlier were heard no more.

"Yes, Inuyasha?" Kikyō urged, hoping he would just _spit it out and get it over with!_

"Kikyō, I..."

And that's when he burst out, harming his and a certain individual's sensitive ears.

"**_I STILL LOVE YOU AND I WANT TO BE WITH YOU!_**"

All of a sudden birds madly burst out of the thicket, flying berserk away from the panting hanyō. Kikyō's quiet gasp of shock and an abrupt change in her aura did not go unnoticed, not by herself, not by Inuyasha, and_ certainly _not by the creature behind her. _'Foolish miko,'_ it sneered, and let out an indignant puff. The woman is probably as ignorant as the useless half-breed, if not more ignorant! _'You never thought that he would still hold affections for you, did you?'_

_Don't let me fall again_

_For nothing more_

_'WHY?!' _Kikyō's soul screamed in incredulity. All this encounter was supposed to mean was nothing but his freedom, her freedom! She just wanted him to reject her knock her naïve mind into reality, free himself from her old memory's ghost, and live a joyous life with her reincarnation and his friends, so she, at the same time, would be able to free herself from the invisible chains that bound her to life, to suffering, jump back to the seven hells where she truly should belong, and rest in long-sought peace. But fate, cruel fate just _loved _toying with her. _He_ opened the door to a future for her,_ with _her, when all she wanted was to die and leave him with people who love and care for him! Did the notion _'It is too late'_ ever cross his dull, little brain?!

_"If he still harbors feelings for you, wants to live a life with you, and you leave him for the next world, thinking that all he feels for you is pity, do you think it would be fair to him for you to be so selfish? What if you are wrong, and he still **loves** you?" _Yes, _it_ had told her in a more, if possible, serious manner, on one of the few nights where it would act like a whole different person, with a whole different soul, _a soul that cares_. _"There will be people who would mourn your death, more than you think."_

And Kikyō had laughed bitterly at it, saying it was a preposterous thing to say. _"Have you been talking to a certain tree again?"_ she had mocked it that night.

And yet here he was, waiting for her to make a decision that could mean a new life, or another broken heart..._It_ was right _again._ What has she been laughing at, a teller of the future? _'Foolish emotions make reading you easier, Woman, than learning how to breathe,' _it had insulted her when she asked about how it knew her every thought.

Would accepting Inuyasha's offer grant them the happiness they yearned for for so many years?

As Kikyō continued to think, the question evolved from Why to Why not.

_Why not?_

_'The girl would be hurt.' _Since when did she care for her copy's feelings?

_'He loves the girl.' _Yet he told her he still loves her.

_'I am still the past, only in a body of flesh.' _Then the fates has given her a second chance.

Her mind tried to convince her soul and her heart, that all she needed was peace, which supposedly could be attained by a second death. And it was doing a pathetic job. Her mind ran out of reasons and came up with excuses.

_'What would they say?' _It does not matter.

_'Is it appropriate that I, a miko and he, a hanyō, love?' _It does not matter.

_'Will he want to turn human, or stay a hanyō?' **IT DOES NOT MATTER ANYMORE!**_

Kikyō, mind, body, and soul, cried out with her decision.

"INUYASHA, I W_—_"

"AAAAHHHHH!" a familiar voice let out a shrill scream, interrupting her. "Help! Aahh! Yōkai! Back off! Help, Inuyashaaaaa!"

One of the hanyō's dog ears flicked where the shouts came from, followed by his whole body turning to the same direction. "Kagome!" he exclaimed, then turned to the crushed priestess before him. "I'll be back when I can, Kikyō. Kagome's in trouble!" And with a quick kiss to her forehead, he sprinted away, leaving her behind again, as her mahogany eyes followed the red blur until the thick brush hid him from a pair of sorrowful eyes. It was already stupid of her to wish that he would stay with her, but to expect him to never leave her behind again...

If he had known what her answer was, would he have stayed with her?

No.

_'He would always run back to her.'_

...What an absurd, fool of a miko she is.

_Don't give me this feeling_

_I'll only believe it_

_Make it real_

_Or take it all away_

The priestess of unmeasurable power, Kikyō, rose elegantly from her pitieous crouching position, to her usual mighty stance that boasted of her special abilities, an all too familiar mask of aloofness hiding hurt emotions from the world's prying eyes. As she did, a sudden gust of wind came out of nowhere and beat upon the miko, trying to intimidate her, and the superb creature emerged from behind her, hidden no more, a cold mask similar to hers coating its admirable features. She turned to face it, ochre colliding with gold in a fixed stare, as silent words with hidden meanings, meanings only they could comprehend, were exchanged between the two powerful beings. The dawn's beautiful mixture of reds and whites made its magnificent silver mane glitter in the dark, followed by another warm breeze that tossed long, sleek ebony and platinum tresses into an angry fury.

"The sun has risen," it pointed out in its usual monotone voice, its sun-colored oculars narrowing. "**_You lose_**."

The miko's mask never faltered; no frowns, no smiles, no witty comebacks...only contentment, for she was glad...she was glad that she had lost the dangerous gamble, for she has just realized, _there may still be a future, **waiting** **for her**._

_Make it real_

_Or take it all away_

_'It seems that we are back from where we started...' _But she will always wait, until the fates give her another opportunity. Maybe, _just maybe_, she and her love will have a chance to be reunited for eternity...**_And maybe then her heart won't have to be mended by another, because it will be broken no more..._**

_Take it all_

_Away..._

Holding her newfound hope close to her healing heart, Kikyō smiled, as she humbly followed the alluring taiyōkai in white...

...--...--...

**O w a r i .**

* * *

**Who was the creature that was watching Kikyō from behind the trees?** (I gave away a lot of hints, this should be easy!) 

**What was her relationship with said creature?** (A mystery...yet to be revealed!)

**What was the bet?** (Secret! For now...)

**What made the bet so dangerous that Kikyō had to regret gambling?** (Come on, guess, you guys!)

**What was the consequence of Kikyō's losing?** (I wonder...)

There might be a possiblity of me writing a sequel to this fanfic, that will answer the questions above and some others. But it's a teeny, tiny one.

Reviews, especially constructive criticism, will be greatly appreciated. Flames will be used to burn Kagome alive.

Mata ne!

Aya


End file.
